


real life has no appeal

by lupinthropy



Series: 'tuber 'verse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Social Media, Alternate Universe - YouTube, Alternate Universe - Youtubers, F/M, M/M, Social Media, Texting, The Marauders - Freeform, YouTube, YouTubers - Freeform, texting au, there's some angst in there if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-23 21:38:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9679616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lupinthropy/pseuds/lupinthropy
Summary: In which Remus is Lily's roommate and Sirius, James and Peter break into places.





	1. sirius

**Author's Note:**

> sirius is in italics  
> remus is in bold  
> james is bold&italic  
> peter is bold&underlined  
> lily is italics&underlined  
> tonks is everything

[prongs 3:45AM]

**_Have you been on my phone again_ **

_good morning to you too, jimmy_

**_Answer the question_ **

_now, why would i do a thing like that?_

**_My background is spongebob porn_ **

**_Again._ **

_classic!_

_i didn’t do it, old friend_

_but oh, boy do i wish i had_

_you might want to ask lily, she’s got your passcode_

**_Lily would never do that!_ **

_look at you, so young and naïve_

**_Shut up_ **


	2. remus

[Unknown Number 3:30AM]

_remus!_

_remus remus bo bemus_

_banana fana fo femus_

_fee fi mo memus_

_reeeemuuuuuussssssssssss_

**Sorry, who is this?**

_i’m offended that you don’t have my number saved_

**I really don’t know who you are.**

**How did you get my number?**

**Seriously tell me who you are or I’m calling the police**

_chill, rem, it’s sirius_

**Sirius?**

[maybe: sirius 3:31AM]

_okay now i’m definitely offended_

**No!**

**I mean, you’re Sirius Black?**

_the very same._

_youtube sensation._

_james’ best friend._

_the ladies love me._

**12 year old girls love you.**

_it counts._

**Gross.**

**How did you even get my number?**

_james gave it to me._

**It’s three in the morning.**

_‘gave’ being the operative term._

**I don’t even want to know.**

_he went to the bathroom and left his phone here._

_sucker._

[Sirius 3:46AM]

_i’m going to assume you’re asleep._

_james doesn’t know i got into his phone_

_don’t snitch_

[Sirius 10:23AM]

**Now, why would I do a thing like that?**

_you’re awake!_

**A filmmaker never sleeps. I was just ignoring you.**

_i like you already._

****

[Sirius 10:21PM]

_humour me, rem_

**Sirius it’s 10 PM.**

_yes, and prongs insisted on making a stupid toilet paper fort in asda_

_we’ve been sat here for 25 minutes because wormy’s too scared to move_

_my butt hurts_

**Aw :( poor baby Siwius**

**Wait**

[Sirius 10:34PM]

_waiting._

[Sirius 10:47PM]

_i’m not getting any younger here_

**Sorry**

**Did you really break into asda?**

_yep._

_well, ‘break in’ is a strong term._

_we got in, hid and are waiting for it to close._

**So… you broke in?**

_we like to call it overstaying our welcome_

**You do realise it’s open 24 hours, right?**

[Sirius 10:56PM]

_we have realised the flaw in our plan and are leaving promptly._

 

[Twitter]

@siriusblack: there was a bit of a mishap with the new marauders video…

@siriusblack: main channel vid will still be up on time, but no new marauders until next week.

 

[Sirius 8:11AM]

_i watched some of your videos last night_

**Good morning to you too**

_they’re really good_

**You’re being oddly polite today**

_how do you come up with ideas_

**Caffeine**

**Lily helps sometimes**

_oh yea, how’s she been recently_

**Fine, spending a lot of time with James**

_oh, lord do i know it_

**Seriously, what did you think of my videos?**

_they’re awesome_

_you’ve really got talent_

[sent at 8:49AM]

**Thank you**

[Sirius 1:02AM]

_remmussssss_

**Hi Sirius**

_you’re awake!_

**Didn’t you text me**

**You know what nevermind**

_well, yeah i text you but i wasn’t expecting you to reply_

**I don’t get a lot of sleep**

_i can tell_

**Why are you even awake right now?**

_i could ask you the same thing_

**Seriously**

_ha_

**Shut up. Why are you awake?**

_editing. reading comments._

**Rookie mistake**

_i’m making a graph of suggestions. look._

_[photo attached]_

**That graph doesn’t seem very reliable**

**Do 6000 out of 8000 voters really want to see you break into a bowling alley?**

_hey, people like crappy pizza and expensive arcade games_

_m &m world is another interesting one_

**I’d watch that**

_do you not watch my videos already?_

**Not the biggest fan of breaking and entering, sorry**

_my poor heart, it aches_

**Lily tells me they’re very good**

_good girl_

**Don’t say that again**

[Sirius 12:03AM]

_we broke into a bowling alley._

**I thought you didn’t like that term?**

_okay, we ENTERED a bowling alley_

_[photo attached]_

**omg you actually did it**

**Wait what the fuck is Lily doing there**

_did she not tell you she was coming with us?_

 

[Snapchat]

[Sent to Lil at 12:06AM]

**You told me you were staying at James’**

_ i didn’t technically lie _

_ i am WITH james, right? _

**You said you were going on a date!**

_ fuck, security, gimme a sec remus _

[Snap sent to Lil at 12:12AM]

**I’m watching the new criminal minds ep without you**

[Lil took a screenshot!]

 


	3. sirius

[red riding hood 12:13AM]

_ [photo attached: screenshot] _

_criminal minds?_

_that’s cold._

[The Marauders™ 12:18AM]

** The Coast Is Clear **

_seriously, wormy, you’ve gotta work on your capitalisation_

_ capitalisation is the least of our worries right now, black _

**_THE COAST ISN’T CLEAR_ **

**_THE COAST IS VERY MUCH NOT CLEAR_ **

** Oops, Sorry **

_if prongs gets arrested wormtail’s getting paintballed_

** I Said I’m Sorry! **

_ shut up, boys, it was just a traffic warden _

[The Marauders™ 12:21AM]

_ i said it’s safe, you can come out now _

_no, red, you didn’t say it_

_ do i have to? _

**_Those are the rules_ **

_ fine. _

_ the coast is clear. _

_thank you._

** Thank You. **

**_Thank you._ **

 

[sent to rem 10:23AM]

_Operation Bowling Alley: successful!_

**You didn’t get arrested!**

_ye of little faith_

**I’m proud of you.**

**Now give me my roommate back.**

_sorry mate, i think james has called dibs_

[sent to rem 10:27AM]

_i tried to take a photo but she threw a bottle at me_

**You’re already drinking? It’s 10:30**

_a water bottle_

_i may be punk but i’m not that punk_

**You’re not punk.**

**You got hurt by a water bottle.**

_it was half full!_

 

[The Marauders™ 5:54PM]

_vid’s done. shall i upload it now?_

**_Sirius I’m sat opposite you_ **

_peter and lily aren’t!_

_ stop squabbling. _

_ upload the video _

_ mine will be up tomorrow _

** Sounds Great.  **

**__ **

[Twitter]

@siriusblack: new marauders video up! overnight in a bowling alley w/ lily evans

@siriusblack: new personal channel vid tomorrow, behind the scenes: prep, setup, bloopers, etc.

 

[rem 6:34PM]

**I watched your new video**

_what did you think?_

**Funny. Illegal. What shampoo do you use?**

_kms california_

[prongs 7:58AM]

**_SIRIUS._ **

[rem 8:37AM]

**Why is James in my apartment**

_two words, my friend_

_spongebob_

_porn_

**Oh my god**

**Lily’s laughing**

_lily’s in on it_

_whenever we can get our hands on his phone we change his background_

_don’t tell him, though, she’s my mole_

_he would never suspect her_

**Genius**

[sent to prongs at 8:39AM]

_are you feeling it now, mr krabs?_

[rem 8:46AM]

**What did you do?**

_omg what happened_

**He threw his phone across the room**

**I think he’s given up**

**[photo attached]**

_is he actually lying on the floor_

**I think he’s crying**

_amazing_

**It’s been seven minutes**

_a new record. truly unbelievable._

**Help me he’s lying on my stylus**

**I’m meant to be working on a video**

_bend down and very softly whisper “the hash-slinging slasher” in his ear._

**No.**

_fine. i’ll ask lily._

[sent to red riding hood at 8:47AM]

_hey red_

_ i’ll do it _

[rem 8:48AM]

**she did it.**

_did it work?_

**He rolled over and started screaming**

[rem 8:50AM]

**He’s still screaming.**

_perfect._

[rem 8:56AM]

**I think you broke him**

[rem 6:54PM]

**Has James forgiven you yet?**

_i’m working on it_

_how’s your video going?_

**Not even halfway done. I hate animation.**

_i’m sure it’ll be worth it._

**If I ever tell you I want to be an animator please slap me.**

_;)_

**I’m not talking to you anymore**

[rem 3:29AM]

**Do you have snapchat?**

_how are you still awake_

**I could ask you the same question**

_i’ve been watching tv. what’s your excuse?_

**Animation.**

**And I want to know if you have snapchat.**

_do you not follow me on twitter?_

**I don’t use it much.**

_work on that._

_and it’s siriusblack, same as my twitter handle_

_cough cough wink wink nudge nudge_

 

[Snapchat]

[Remus added you as a friend!]

[accept]

[chat received from Remus at 3:35AM]

**What does Padfoot mean**

_wow u really don’t watch my videos_

_and all this time i thought u were just joking_

**What does it mean**

_it’s my marauder name_

[Remus is typing]

[Remus is typing]

[Remus is typing]

**What**

_my marauder name? my nickname?_

_james is prongs, peter is wormtail and i’m padfoot_

**Where did ‘Padfoot’ come from**

_don’t u worry ur pretty little head about it_

_and i wouldn’t ask about wormtail or prongs either_

_especially not prongs_

_but wormtail’s not much better_

**Gross**

_you never answered my question_

**?**

_your video? how’s it going?_

**Surprisingly well. I finished up all the frames, just editing to go.**

_good luck with that, give me updates._

**I sure will**

_and follow me on twitter_

[Twitter]

[@remuslupin followed you!]

 

[sent to rem 11:43AM]

_you need a marauder name_

**I really don’t**

[Sirius 1:09PM]

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

_hey remus_

**Yes, Sirius?**

_i came up with a marauder name for you._

**Oh my god. Okay.**

_are you even ready for this?_

**As ready as I’ll ever be.**

_moony._

**Moony?**

_moony._

**Dare I ask why?**

_you’re always awake at night_

_and your name means wolf wolf_

_so… night, wolf, werewolf, moon._

_moony._

**You’re a genius**

_and don’t you forget it._

_it’s official. it’s now your contact name._

**I feel like I’m joining a cult.**

_maybe, my friend, maybe_

_you do realise this means you have to be in a marauders video, right?_

**No it doesn’t.**


	4. remus

[sent to Lil at 1:21PM]

**Hey Lil, I have an odd question**

_ shoot _

**Do you have a marauder name?**

_ nah, i turned it down _

**And Sirius just… let you? like that?**

_ only because james bugged him about it _

_ he never really let it go _

_ he calls me red  _

_ why? _

**Apparently I’ve been re-christened as ‘Moony’**

_ ooh, inventive _

**It’s ridiculous**

_ it’s cute _

**You’re no help**

****

[Snapchat]

[Snap received from Padfoot at 10:23AM]

[Remus took a screenshot!]

_snake._

**Oops, accident, sorry.**

[sent to Lil at 10:24AM]

**LILY**

_ i’m guessing this is important _

_ since you can’t just walk down the hall to the living room _

_ where i am _

_ all alone _

**BIGGER FISH TO FRY, EVANS**

_ ok what’s up _

**SIRIUS JUST SENT ME THIS**

**[photo attached: screenshot]**

**LILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

_ ok jesus _

**I DIDN’T REALISE HE WAS THAT FUCKING ATTRACTIVE LILY**

**LILY PLEASE**

**I’M ON THE VERGE OF TEARS HELP ME**

_ how long have you had him on sc  _

**TWO DAYS**

_ and how long have you known him _

**A WEEK**

_ and you’re already a mess _

_ i think that’s a new record _

**I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING**

**THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER**

_ chill. his personality makes up for his looks. _

[Remus is typing]

[Remus is typing]

**Really?**

_ why do you think i’m with james instead _

**That makes me feel a bit better thank you**

_ my pleasure. also we need milk. _

**okay**

_ also, you have to reply to him. _

**fuck.**

[Lily took a screenshot of chat!]

[Snap sent to Padfoot at 12:01PM]

**Lily’s sent me on a milk run.**

[Padfoot took a screenshot!]

[Twitter]

@remuslupin: New video! It’s a… weird one. youtube.com/lupin

 

[Sirius 8:46PM]

_i’m offended that you didn’t tell me you were uploading_

**Oops sorry**

**I got carried away**

**I had to rush it last minute to get it up by 8**

_it’s cool moons_

_i was pullin ur leg_

**Did you watch it?**

_is that even a question_

_of course i did_

**What did you think?**

_it’s incredible, moony_

**Honestly?**

_honestly_

_i teared up_

**It wasn’t even sad**

_THE CHARACTERS WERE SO CUTE OKAY_

**Ok padfoot**

_was that an ok lettucehead joke_

**Maybe**

[sent to Sirius 9:23PM]

**My jokes are really that bad huh**

_SORRY MOONS_

_MY PHONE WENT OFF AND WE’RE SCOUTING OUT THE PLACE FOR OUR NEXT VID_

_I FORGOT MY PORTABLE CHARGER AND AM NOW RUNNING BACK_

**Doesn’t James have a car?**

_JAMES IS A DICK_

_WHO LIKES TO SEE ME SUFFER_

_I’M SO COLD_

**Hah, loser, I’m here in my nice warm flat**

**With the heating on**

**And my macbook**

**And a cup of tea**

**[photo attached]**

****

_YOU PIECE OF SHIT_

**I pride myself on it**

_PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M INSANE_

**I’m not too sure I disagree**

_WELL THAT’S JUST_

_FU_

_CKING RUDE_

**Where are you even going**

_7_

_OW_

_T MORROW_

**You’re not making much sense**

_I’M RUNN IN_

_G_

_CUSE ME I F I CAN,T RU NNN AND TUPE AT T_

_HH_

_E S A   AME T IME_

**Why are you even running**

**Surely they can wait**

_I’M BE   IN G T IMED_

_JA MM ES IS MAKI NN G A SNASPCHATS TORYY_

**I wanna see it**

**What’s his snapchat**

_IIIIM NOT T E ELLLING YOU_

_Y OUURRE NOT GOINGNN TO S EEEEEE THIS SHAME_

 

[calling Lil...]

_ “Remus, what are you doing?” _

**“I need to know James’ snapchat.”**

_ “And you couldn’t just knock on my door?” _

**“I’m tired. What is it?”**

_ “Prongspotter.” _

**“I could have guessed.”**

[speaker]

[Snapchat]

[You added prongspotter]

[prongspotter added you as a friend!]

_ “Dare I ask why you need it?” _

**“He’s making Sirius run across London.”**

[call disconnected]

[text sent to Lil at 9:29PM]

**Why did you hang up?**

_ i have to see this _

[9:30PM]

_II III I’M NE A RLY THEERRE_

**I’m proud of you**

_Y O U SH  VOULD BE  E_

[Snapchat]

[Chat received from Prongs at 9:32PM]

**_Have you come here to see Sirius’ pain?_ **

**Of course,**

**_Enjoy the show, he’s nearly here_ **

[You screenshotted prongspotter’s story!]

[9:35PM]

_MOONY I MADE IT_

**I know**

_YOU WHAT_

**[photo attached: screenshot]**

_YOU FUCKING DIDN’T_

**;)**

_TRAITOR._

[sent to Sirius at 12:00AM]

**Am I forgiven yet?**

_…_

**I’m going to take that as a yes because I’m bored and Lily fell asleep**

**We were watching captain america as well**

_so i’m your second option?_

_way to make a man feel loved moons_

**Actually you’re my third**

**I’ve already tried stacking things on her face**

_i’m intrigued_

**[photo attached]**

_is that a dildo on her forehead_

**Shit I meant to send the other one**

**The one without the dildo**

_i applaud your creativity_

_[photo attached]_

_it’s my lockscreen_

**Lily will love it**

_“hey red, you know that photo of you with a dildo on your face that moony didn’t tell you about?”_

_who does it even belong to_

[Sirius 12:04AM]

_moony_

_moony_

_moony_

_moony_

[Sirius 12:08AM]

_i know ur not asleep_

_that’s why ur name is moony_

[Sirius 12:12AM]

_your silence is making me jump to my own conclusions_

[Sirius 12:17AM]

_you just watched my snapchat story_

_i c u_

**shit**

_there’s nothing wrong with owning a dildo moons_

**IT’S NOT MINE**

_i somehow doubt that it’s lily’s_

**IT WAS A JOKE OKAY**

**IT STAYS IN OUR LOUNGE AND IT HAS A MOUSTACHE**

**[photo attached]**

**His name is John Watson**

_are those googly eyes_

**Yes**

_it’s actually kind of cute_

**Irk**

**Ikr***

**Okay she’s waking up I gotta go**

_have fun dildo-brain_

**Don’t call me that**

_ok dildo-brain_

 

[Sirius 10:09AM]

_how’s john watson_

**He’s fine**

**Back in his rightful place**

**[photo attached]**

**On the mantelpiece**

_i can’t believe you_

**You never told me where you’re going tonight**

_i’m packing for it as we speak_

_[photo attached]_

**How much haribo and water can you consume in one night**

_12 hours is a long time_

**And is that an inhaler**

_no_

**Are you asthmatic?**

[sent to Sirius at 10:14AM]

**Oh my god you are**

_no i’m not i’m punk rock_

**There’s nothing wrong with it**

**It’s nothing to be ashamed of**

_you’re so sickeningly nice_


	5. james

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was in my original draft as 'chapter 3 1/2'. consider this a half chapter.

[Pads 15:18]

_I TRUSTED YOU._

**_Excuse me_ **

_YOU TOLD ME HE WAS ‘OKAY-LOOKING’_

_I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU PRONGS_

**_Pads, you’ve seen all of his videos._ **

_HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THAT IN HIS VIDEOS_

_HE’S ALL PRESSED AND CLEAN FOR THE CAMERA BUT BOY…_

_WHEN HE’S JUST BUYING MILK…_

_THAT FUCKING BEANIE AND HIS BEDHEAD AND GRANDPA CARDIGAN_

_HE WAS MADE FOR ME_

_WHAT THE FUCK JAMES_

**_He wears that cardigan all the time_ **

_FUUCK_

_I THINK I’M DYING_

_WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS_

**_Consider it payback_ **

_HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

**_Are you feeling it now, Mr Krabs?_ **

****

[sent to LILY 15:24]

**_Help me_ **

_ is it sirius, by any chance? _

**_How did you guess?_ **

**_[photo attached: screenshot]_ **

_ i got the same thing from remus this morning. _

**_Fucking idiots_ **

_  
_


	6. remus

[Sirius 4:21AM]

_moony!_

_moony moony bo boony_

**Sirius no**

_banana fana fo foony_

**Please don’t**

_fee fi mo oony_

_moooooonnnyyyyyyyyyyy_

**Are you done**

_yes_

**What was that for**

_i got bored_

_the security alarms stopped going off about 2 hours ago_

_and every1 went to sleep but i’m “on lookout”_

**I’m going to pretend that I didn’t read that**

_how’s ur night going_

**Fine**

**I’m working on a video,**

**and stuff for uni**

_omg ur still in uni i forgot_

**I wish I wasn’t**

**Only one more year and then I’m a free man**

_lmao loser i finished last year_

**You went to uni?**

_don’t act so surprised_

**I bet you majored in something manly**

**Like engineering or PE**

**Or military prep**

**omg I bet you did military prep for GCSE**

_wtf no_

_prongs’ parents would have had like 5000 aneurysms_

**So what did you major in**

_irrelevant_

**It’s totally relevant**

_it’s totally not_

**hm**

[Sirius 4:52AM]

_i has’t hath returned_

**Where did u go**

_everyone woke up and the others went to scout out the place_

_but we soon realised (thru google) that there r fuckin security sensors everywhere_

_so they had to army crawl out_

_here’s a photo of that golden moment_

_[photo attached]_

_but james left his phone here nd its open_

_altho that doesn’t really matter bc i know his pass_

_but it was too golden an opportunity_

**What did u do to him**

_i changed everything_

_i moved all of his apps to one folder and changed his background_

_and downloaded a load of shady apps to take up storage_

_then left it in the exact same place i found it_

_wait gimme a sec i’ll show you_

**K**

[James 4:55AM]

**_[photo attached: screenshot]_ **

**_[photo attached: screenshot]_ **

[Sirius 4:55AM]

_what do u think_

**Poor James**

**And I hope you deleted those messages from his phone after**

_come on moons, i’m not a complete amateur_

**Also how the fuck did you find so much spongebob porn**

_i’m an insomniac_

_i gotta find ways to pass the time_

**Ay twinsies**

_,, never say that again_

**It felt disgusting to type**

_MOONY_

_MOONY_

**Yes Sirius?**

_THERE’S A SECURITY GUARD_

_JAMES AND PETER ARE OUTSIDE FUCK_

**SIRIUS I FUCKING HATE YOU**

**Where’s Lily?**

_SHE’S WITH ME_

_FUCK MAN THIS IS TERRIFYING_

**HOW DO YOU GET YOURSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS**

_LOOK AT THIS GUY HE’S FUCKING RIPPED_

_[photo attached]_

_ADMITTEDLY THAT ISN’T THE BEST PHOTO_

**WHERE ARE YOU**

_WE’RE HIDING IN ONE OF THE SHELVES_

_BEHIND A LOAD OF VACUUMS_

**HAVE YOU TRIED GETTING HOLD OF JAMES**

_I HAVE HIS PHON E U DINGBAT_

**WHAT ABOUT PETER**

_PETER’S A FUCKING IDIOT_

_FUCKKKKKK_

**SIRIUS ARE YOU OKAY**

**SIRIUS**

**SIRIUS PLS**

**SIRIUS ANSWER ME**

**HELOOOO**

**DID YOU GET ARRESTED**

**PLEASE TELL ME U DIDN’T GET ARRESTED**

**OH MY GOD**

**AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BAIL MY ROOMMATE OU TOF PRISON**

**IS THE FIRST TIME WE MEET GOING TO BE IN THE POLICE STATION BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DEAL W THAT**

**SHIT**

[Sirius 10:47AM]

_i survived_

**SIRIUS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID YOU GO**

_peter n james got back_

_turns out they knew abt the security_

_and we all had to put our phones down n shit bc of the light_

_then we sat there for a few hours_

_and Costco opens at 8_

_so we waited until it was just busy enough so we could sneak out_

_n blend in with the crowd_

_but not be seen sneaking out_

**You gave me a heart attack I fuckign hateall of you**

**Tell Lily she’s grounded**

_she says fuck you_

_so does james_

**He’s grounded too**

_i gtg moony ur the best_

**I know**

[sent to Sirius 11:12AM]

**You say golden a lot.**

 

[12:54PM]  
[Sirius calling…]

**“Sirius, what are you doing?”**

_“Guess again big boy.”_

**“James? What the… What are you doing on Sirius’ phone?”**

_“He’s in the garage working on his bike.”_

**“Of course he has a bike...”**

_“That’s beside the point.”_

**“Continue.”**

_“Since he so sneakily continued his pranking while I was risking my freedom for his youtube video…”_

**“Isn’t it a shared channel?”**

_“Let me finish.”_

**“Sorry.”**

_“Since he so sneakily continued his pranking while I was risking my freedom for OUR youtube video, I have decided to get back at him.”_

**“And this involves me how…?”**

_“I took the liberty of reading through a few of his messages.”_

**“Sweet Jesus…”**

_“From now on, every time he pulls a prank, I will be revealing a deep, dark secret of his to you, our dear Moony.”_

**“Not you too.”**

_“Oh yes, Moonster. You see, you’re the backbone of this entire operation.”_

**“Do I have to be?”**

_“The damage has already been done! You’re the only person he cares about who doesn’t know anything about him, so therefore, you have been selected.”_

**“Was that the deep, dark secret of today?”**

_“Patience is a virtue, young Moonshine. You wanted to know what he majored in in University?”_

**“Yes.”**

_“Theatre. And he enjoyed every moment of it.”_

**“….”**

**“……..”**

**“…………………”**

_“Moony?”_

_“Remus?”_

**“THEATRE?”**

_“Are you crying?”_

**“YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT SIRIUS BLACK. TALL, TOUGH, PUNK SIRIUS BLACK WHO RIDES A MOTORBIKE AND WEARS LEATHER AND BREAKS INTO PLACES FOR A LIVING, MAJORED IN THEATRE?”**

_“That I am, dear Moony.”_

**“This is gold.”**

_“You’re welcome.”_

[Sirius 3:35PM]

_what did james do_

**Nothing**

_moony_

**padfoot**

_moony_

**padfoot**

_moony_

**padfoot**

_moony_

**Did you really major in theatre?**

_THAT LITTLE BITCH_

_I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL HIM_

_PRONGS IS GONNA BE FUCKING ROADKILL_

**Hey it’s chill**

**I love theatre**

**I think it’s kinda cute actually**

_YOU’RE NOT MEANT TO THINK I’M CYTE_

_YOU’RE MEANT TO THINK I’M A PUNK SEX MACHINE_

**I**

_soz moons i’ve got a prongs to murder_

_brb_

[Sirius 8:52PM]

_prongs is still alive_

_for now_

[James 8:52PM]

**_Don’t tell him anything_ **

[Sirius 10:56AM]

_i just witnessed the most hilarious thing_

**The most embarrassing thing just happened to me**

_oh shit lmao snap_

_we’re so in sync_

**Shut up Sirius I’m fretting let me tell you about it**

_fretting_

**SIRIUS**

_ok jeez_

_i wanna tell u what i saw first_

**SIRIUS PLEASE**

_;)_

**THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER**

**Don’t**

_just bc of that horrible pun i get to go first_

**I didn’t mean it**

_my point still stands_

**Fine.**

_ok so basically i’m in starbucks, right? and this super tall guy who’s all long ass legs and arms just knocks his coffee over, stands up to try n pick it up and then just fuckin tripped over, knocking two tables over in the process, including the table of the old lady next to him, and then his macbook just falls in the puddle of coffee and, to top it all off, the lady’s coffee falls on it too and soaks tf out of it_

_i had to leave bc i felt bad for laughing_

**Oh no**

**Ohhh**

**no**

**no**

**no**

_what_

**nononOnononONONONONONONO**

_u alright there moons_

**NO**

_what’s wrong moony shit_

**ARE YOU ON CARNABY STREET**

_not anymore but i was_

_how tf do you know that_

**IT WAS ME SIRIUS**

**I WAS THE GUY IN STARBUCKS**

_oh my gOd_

**OH MYG OD**

_MOONY OH MY GOD HOW_

_HOW DO YOU GET YOURSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS_

**I DON’T KNOW OKAY**

**I JUST DO**

_what even happened afterward omg_

**One of the baristas helped me clean up my stuff and I bought the old lady a new coffee**

**My macbook didn’t survive**

**We’d been together for four years**

_that’s so sad_

_u have insurance right_

**Yeah**

**But I was editing a video**

**And now I’ve lost all the footage bc my hard drive got ruined**

_i am so sorry_

**It’s a sad day for all**

_WAIT_

_WAIT_

_WAIT_

**Waiting**

_I HAVE AN IDEA_

**Ok**

_YOU LIKE ANIMATION RIGHT_

**Like is a strong word**

_WHY DON’T YOU MAKE A VIDEO ABOUT HOW UR MACBOOK GOT RUINED_

_AND ANIMATE IT_

_YOU CAN TELL THE STORY AND HAVE LITTLE ANIMATIONS AROUND YOU_

**Oh my god.**

**That’s actually a rly good idea**

_IKR_

**Hold on one sec let me just put it in my notes**

**[photo attached: screenshot]**

**Done**

_YAYYYYY_

_I’M SO EXCITED_

**I’ll start working on it tonight on my mac**

**And I’m going to pick up the macbook tomorrow**

_that’s good_

**OK I’m meant to be going to Oxford St for Lils I’ll see u around**

_BYE MOONY_

[Twitter]

@remuslupin: I killed my macbook.

@siriusblack: RIP @remuslupin ‘s macbook, 2012-2017

@remuslupin: @siriusblack it’s a sad day for all

* * *

Editing was horrible on Remus’ best days. Especially when it came to animating, and with his sodden macbook in his peripheral vision it was considerably more difficult. He’d managed to film the video in a matter of hours, and since then he’d done about a frame of animation. It had come as a relief when his phone buzzed on the desk beside his hand.

[11:08PM]  
[Sirius calling…]

**“Hello?”**

_“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”_

**“Sirius, what are you doing?”**

_“Moonsy – you’re a good – good person.”_

**“Uh – thanks?”**

_“I look-looked on-at your i-instagram… you’re-you’re so pretty.”_

**“Are you drunk?”**

_“I only h-had a few...”_

**“…dozen?”**

_“Reg called…”_

**“Reg?”**

_“Missed-missed him…”_

**“Sirius, what are you talking about?”**

[Call disconnected]

Sirius’ words made something like disappointment tug at Remus’ chest. Who was Reg? An ex, maybe? Sirius had said “him”, and he hadn’t given any indication of his sexuality before...

Remus picked up his phone again. From what he knew of Sirius through both stories and conversations, he wasn’t the easiest drunk, and he definitely wouldn’t be able to work this out himself. He pinned in the number of the only person he could think of who would.

[Calling James…]

**_“Remus?”_ **

**“Hey James, are you at home?”**

**_“Nearly, I’m about five minutes away. Why?”_ **

**“Sirius just called, he’s drunk and talking about some guy called ‘Reg’.”**

**_“Shit. Did he seem alright on the phone?”_ **

**“I think he was crying.”**

**_“Fuck. I’ll be there soon.”_ **

**“Okay, look after him.”**

[Call disconnected]

[sent to Sirius 11:16PM]

**James will be there in five minutes**

_ii like hwow youu typep out the intire mumber word_

**Don’t put yourself in mortal danger until he gets there, please**

_whyh can’’t youuuu coemm moonsy?_

**I think James is more equipped to deal with your current state**

_buutt prongs is noh funu_

_he’lls make me tell himn avout my fekelings_

_hses lke a therrapispt_

_tehaprist_

_theaperist_

_therpaiuts_

**Therapist**

_thx_

**My pleasure**

**Is James there yet?**

_no sirr ._

_no progns in sight_

_acrually_

_hes/ unlckiong the door_

_i h ope htats him_

_#otherwsie somejne is breakjng ibn_

[James 11:22PM]

**_I’m here_ **

**Okay good**

**Make sure he doesn’t hurt himself**

**_Don’t worry, I’ll look after him_ **


	7. sirius

[moony 9:59AM]

**How’s your head?**

_fuck off_

_too early_

[Power off]

[moony 3:04PM]

**Still too early?**

_god, sorry moony_

_my head hurts so much_

_i got like twelve hours sleep_

_but i still don’t feel rested_

**Where’s James?**

_he provided paracetamol_

_then i told him to fuck off_

**He told me you blacked out**

_he did?_

_i can’t remember anything tbh_

**You called me lmao**

_oh my god_

_what did i say_

**something along the lines of “MOONY, YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON! I LOVE YOU MOONY! I STALKED YOUR INSTAGRAM, MOONY! YOU’RE SO PRETTY, MOONY!”**

_i didn’t_

**You did**

_i’m so sorry_

**And as I recall you also started calling me Moonsy**

_moonsy?_

**Moonsy**

_that’s actually kind of cute_

**It’s better than Moonshine**

_who tf calls you moonshine_

**James**

_makes sense_

_what else did i talk about?_

**You mentioned a guy called “Reg”?**

**Something about him calling you?**

[moony 3:10PM]

**Sirius?**

[moony 3:15PM]

**Pads?**

[sent to prongs 3:16PM]

_why did i tell moony about reg_

**_You what now_ **

_i told moony about reg calling me_

**_How did he react?_ **

_idk i was blind drunk wtf prongs_

**_Oh yes how could I forget_ **

**_How could I possibly forget you puking on me_ **

**_and passing out in the bathroom_ **

**_I have photos_ **

_now is not the time_

**_Yes of course_ **

**_So, you told Moony about Regulus?_ **

_he texted me and told me about it_

**_And what did you say?_ **

_i_

_i haven’t replied to him_

**_What the fuck Padfoot_ **

_i’m sorry!_

_i don’t know what to do!_

_he doesn’t even know who reg is_

**_He probably thinks he’s your ex or something_ **

_he thinks i’m straight, prongs_

**_Doesn’t everybody_ **

[sent to moony 3:19PM]

_reg is my brother_

_we don’t really get along_

_he kind of hates me, actually_

**Reg is a funny name**

_it’s regulus_

**Like the star?**

_yes the star_

_fucking nerd_

**You’re the one who knew my name meant moon moony**

_after extensive research_

_u replied in like 0.2 secs_

**What can I say**

**I like constellations**

_so you’re not weirded out_

**Weirded out?**

_by my brother hating me_

_and motivating me to drink until i vomit n pass out_

**You vomited?**

_that’s beside the point_

**I have my fair share of family issues**

**Things that top brotherly hate, I think**

_that makes me feel a bit better_

_thank u moonsy_

_for the record_

_ur instagram is very pretty_

[sent to moony 11:37PM]

_gnight moonsy_

**Are you actually going to sleep?**

**It’s a bit early isn’t it**

_hangover_

**Ah**

**Sleep well, dear Padfoot**

_you too, monsieur moony_

[moony 4:56PM]

**Did you really break into a museum**

_what_

**Lil posted it on her instagram idiot**

_snake_

_we haven’t technically broken in yet_

_and it’s not breaking in!!!!!!!!_

**‘Overstaying your welcome’?**

_exactly_

_we’re looking for places to hide at closing_

**You should all hide in different places**

**Then if they find one of you u can cover for the others**

**And pretend there’s only one person there**

_moony ur a genius_

**Why am I helping you**

_bc u luuuuurrrrrveeeeeeeee me_

**Love is an overstatement**

_D-: <_

**> :-D**

_i gtg_

**Good luck**

_thank u_

[moony 10:47PM]

**How’s it going**

_good_

_we took ur advice and we’re hiding in different places_

_wait a sec i’ll add u to the gc_

[sent to The Marauders™ 10:47pm]

_say hi to moony_

[you added moony]

_ hey rem _

**_MOONSHINE HI_ **

**Hey everyone**

**_ Who _ **

_shit yea u don’t know moony do u wormtail_

** I Thought That Would Be Pretty Obvious **

** Since I Just Said Who **

_ok chill out_

_wormtail, this is remus lupin, aka moony_

_moony, this is peter pettigrew, aka wormtail_

** Hey Remus **

**Hi Peter**

_OK BACK TO THE TASK AT HAND_

_moony here helped me come up w my excellent plan_

**_I knew you weren’t that smart, pads_ **

_shut up prongs_

_ we all knew it wasn’t yours, black _

_shut up red_

** I Could Have Guessed **

_ur all so rude to me_

**_SECURITY_ **

**_FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK_ **

**Oh my god**

_PRONGS WHAT THE FUCK_

**_HE’S RIGHT NEXT TO ME SHIT SHI TSHIT SHIT_ **

_ PUT UR FUCKING PHONE DOWN JAMES YOU IDIOT _

**I’m not bailing any of you out**

_WE’RE NOT GONNA GET ARRESTED_

_IF PRONG SJUST STAYS FUKCING QUIET AND DOESN’T BLOW IT_

**You’re all going to take 15 years off my life**

**I can’t be dealing w this I have an essay to write**

_ooh an essay_

_i could help_

** No You Couldn’t **

_i totally could_

_what’s it about?_

**The themes in Coriolanus**

_YOU COMMON CRY OF CURS_

_WHOSE BREATH I HATE_

_AS REEK O THE ROTTEN FENS_

_WHOSE LOVES I PRIZE_

_AS THE DEAD CARCASSES OF UNBURIED MEN_

_THAT DO CORRUPT MY AIR_

_I BANISH YOU_

_AND HERE REMAIN WITH YOUR UNCERTAINTY_

**That’s the one**

_wait wtf_

_i thought u were studying filmmaking_

**Who told you that**

**I’m an English major u idiot**

_but_

_you make short films_

_i just sort of guessed_

_u don’t act like an english major_

**And you don’t act like a theatre major**

**_Oh snap_ **

_ yes he does _

_which one_

_ both of u _

_fuckin rude_

**_The security guard’s gone btw_ **

**_I got some good footage of it_ **

** Same **

_ same _

_i didn’t_

**_Fuck padfoot you’ve ruined everything_ **

**Yeah god padfoot sort yourself out**

_fuck off_

**Seriously what sort of theatre major breaks into places for his youtube channel**

_leave me alone_

_ it’s a valid point _

_PRONGS DID THEATRE TOO_

_AND LILY_

**_Hey don’t drag me into this_ **

_ me neither _

**James and Lily act like theatre majors**

**_And Padfoot doesn’t?_ **

** Sirius Is The Biggest Drama Queen I Know **

_don’t u start too wormtail_

_i thought u were my friend_

** Sorry Padfoot, Prongs and Moony Have A Point **

**Thank you, Peter**

**Seriously though I need to go write this essay**

**Don’t get arrested please**

**_Bye Moonshine_ **

_BYE MOONY_

[The Marauders™ 10:31AM]

**Did you all survive**

_we survived the night at the museum_

_heh_

** I Love That Film **

_ don’t we all _

**Lily can u pick up milk and whipped cream**

_ no fuck u _

_ jk sure we’re nearly at tesco _

_milk and whipped cream is a strange combination_

**Don’t question me**

_i don’t think i want to know what you’re planning_

**_Gross_ **

**IT’S NOT LIKE THAT OH MY GOD**

**I need the milk for tea**

**And the whipped cream because**

_?_

**I don’t have a good answer**

_ he eats it straight from the can _

_ sometimes he gets through 4 a week _

_ it’s concerning _

**HUSH UP YOUR MOUTH LILY**

_that’s both disgusting and impressive_

_disgustingly impressive_

**hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**

_ it’s nothing to be ashamed of _

_ the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem _

**I hate you**

_ no you don’t _

 


	8. remus

[padfoot 8:56PM]

_moony help me_

**Good evening padfoot**

_help_

**What’s up**

_alice dragged me to a bar and i feel very out of place_

_i think the bartender’s flirting with me_

**Alice?**

_school friend, we’re catching up_

_but she’s with her boyfriend and i’m just kind of here_

_she brought this girl with her but it’s just kind of awkward_

_i think she’s trying to set us up_

**_Is that a bad thing?_ **

_she’s not exactly my type_

**“types” stopped being relevant in 2010**

_i don’t mean that_

_she’s nice enough but she’s scary_

_she has pink hair_

_and piercings_

_and goes by her last name_

**ur meant to be punk**

_and is female_

_shit_

_shIT_

_SHIT_

_FUCK I DIDN’T MEAN TO ACTUALLY SEND THAT_

_Please just ignore that ohmy god_

_I can’t delete it either shit_

[sent to Lily 1:14PM]

**I think Sirius just came out to me**

_ he what now _

**[photo attached: screenshot]**

_ oh shit _

_ what did he say after _

**He told me to ignore it**

_... _

_ Then just ignore it _

**IT’S NOT THAT EASY EVANS**

_ ask him if it’s true _

_ and then say that you don’t care and it doesn’t change anything _

_ you’ve gotta do it now too _

_ he’s probably having a panic attack rn _

**Shit yeah**

**Thanks**

**What would I do without you**

_ crash and burn _

[padfoot 1:17PM]

_remus i’m sorry i didn’t mean to send that_

_i’ve had a few drinks I’m not thinking straight_

**Pads chill it’s fine**

**I really don’t care it doesn’t change anything**

_really?_

**Yeah**

**But I have a question**

_okay_

**Does not thinking straight rn really make a difference?**

**I mean... I guess ur never thinking straight**

**:D**

_i hate you_

**;)**

[sent to Lily 1:19PM]

_we’re all good_

**_Good_ **

****

[to padfoot 9:15AM]  
**[photo attached: screenshot]  
**

****

**Is this tonks?**

_how the fuck_

**I’ll take that as a yes**

**She’s very pretty**

_i’ll tell her_

**How was your night?**

_i didn’t black out_

**That’s an achievement**

**Did you tell her that you weren’t interested?**

_yeah_

_but she still insisted on talking_

_i think i’m now the certified “gay best friend”_

**No**

_?_

**You’re my gay best friend**

**She betta get her hands off (** **ง** **’̀** **-‘́)** **ง**

_cute_


	9. sirius

[Instagram]

[send message to tonksy]

_hey nymphadora_

**_ don’t call me that _ **

_;)_

**_ shut up _ **

**_ what d’ya want _ **

_my friend thinks ur hot_

**_ really _ **

_yep_

[you sent a photo]

**_ he’s cute _ **

**_ what’s his ig _ **

_@remuslupin_

  
[tonksy sent a photo]

**_? _ **

_ye that’s him_

**_ i’m gonna dm him _ **

_also charge ur phone_

**_ you can’t tell me what to do _ **

**__ **

[iMessage]  
[sent to red riding hood 2:40PM]

_lily i fucked up_

_ what did you do now _

_ and why aren’t you talking to james about it _

_james isn’t emotional enough for this_

_i accidentally set remus up with tonks and i think it might go somewhere_

_ and that’s a bad thing... _

_ sorry i’m a bit lost explain _

_do i have to_

_ pls _

_ i don’t understand how ur friends being happy is bad _

_he hasn’t spoken to me in hours_

_and the last time i spoke to either of them tonks had just messaged him_

_ oh my god _

_ you’re jealous, aren’t you? _

_no_

_ yes _

_ oh my god this is golden _

_you’re starting to sound like me_

_ so which one is it? _

_excuse me?_

_ which one do you lurrrveeee? _

_i’m not talking to you anymore_

_ oh come on, pads _

_ i wanna know who’s stolen sirius black’s punk heart _

_..._

_ it’s remus, isn’t it? _

_no_

_ IT IS _

_ OH MY GOD _

_ I FUCKING KNEW IT _

_-_-_

_ he likes u too u idiot _

_lily he’s straight_

_ you really think so? _

_yep_

_ [photos attached] _

_ this was when u sent him that first snapchat _

_that was a while ago_

_ you’re so difficult _

_i’m not going to get my hopes up_

[sent to moony 3:45PM]

_hey moony_

[sent to moony 4:31PM]

_hey remus_

[sent to moony 1:42AM]

_moons?_

[sent to moony 4:32AM]

_remus?_

[sent to moony 6:21PM]

_ok i get it if you don’t want to talk to me but at least tell me_

[sent to moony 3:19PM]

_it’s been three days why aren’t you talking to me_

[sent to prongs 4:01PM]

_james_

**_YOU’RE STILL ALIVE_ **

**_I was beginning to wonder if you were just sleepwalking everywhere_ **

_do you know if moony is okay_

**_So that’s why you’re so depressed_ **

**_Trouble in paradise?_ **

_i think he’s ignoring me_

_i knew introducing himt o tonks was a bad idea he doesn’t like me anymore_

_i cam eout oto him and now he’s weirded out and doesn’t want to speak to me_

**_Padfoot pull yourself together for fucks sake_ **

**_There’s probably a completely reasonable explanation_ **

_i’m asking lily_

[iMessage]

[sent to red riding hood 4:06PM]

_lily_

_ what’s wrong _

_who said something was wrong_

_ you called me lily _

_ and didn’t say anything sarcastic _

_ something’s wrong _

_is remus home_

_ ah i see _

_ you only want me for my roommate _

_lily please_

_ idk _

_what?_

_ idk if he’s home _

_you live together can’t you just check_

_ sure i could yell from cokeworth and see if he hears _

_wtf are you doing in cokeworth_

_ i’m visiting my parents _

_ i thought u knew _

_OBVIOUSLY I DIDN’T KNOW_

_ stop yellin _

_ can’t u just call him or something _

_he’s not talking to me_

_ sorry i haven’t heard from him since i left _

_ maybe his phone broke or something _

_i hope so_

_when are you home?_

_ hopefully two weeks _

_ mum’s ill and dad can’t get out of work _

_okay_

_i hope she gets better_

_ thanks sirius _

_ i hope you talk to remus _

[Instagram]

[sent to tonksy]

_hey tonks_

**_ hey sirius _ **

**_ what’s up? _ **

_have you spoken to remus_

**_ remus? _ **

_yeah remus_

_the friend i introduced you to?_

**_ ohh yeah _ **

**_ nah we haven’t spoken at all _ **

**_ he said he wasn’t interested and i didn’t push it _ **

**_ and that was the end of it _ **

_when was that?_

**_ when we last spoke _ **

_fuck_

_okay thanks tonks_

**_ np _ **

**_ look after yourself sirius _ **

_you too_

[iMessage]  
[sent to prongs 4:11PM]

_he isn’t ignoring me_

**_What_ **

**_Oh yeah, Moony_ **

**_How do you know?_ **

_i spoke to tonks_

_and apparently they haven’t spoken at all_

**_That’s good, right?_ **

_what if somethigns wrong_

_if he isn’t ignoring me something has to have happened_

_he wouldn’t just stop speaking to me_

_fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_

**_Pull yourself together pads jfc_ **

_sorry_

**_He’ll turn up soon, man_ **

**_I bet he’s just gone to visit his parents like Lil_ **

**_And they live in Wales so I doubt he’d be able to get signal_ **

_ofc_

_bc there’s obviously NO signal ANYWHERE in wales_

_they all live like cavemen_

**_Shut up_ **

_u did geography for gcse prongs_

_u legit went to wales wtf_

**_Leave me alone_ **

**_I’m trying to help u here_ **

_ur doing a great job_

**_I’m not helping you anymore_ **

 

[moony 11:57PM]

**Hey**

_REMUS LUPIN WHAT THE FUCK_

_WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK REMUS_

_WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT_

**Uh**

_sorry_

_but_

_WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN_

_I’VE MISSED YOU_

**I missed you too lmao**

**I was visiting a friend**

**He lives on a farm**

**There was no wifi or anything**

**It was p last minute I’m sorry I didn’t tell you**

**I thought there’d be service but alas**

_it’s ok u don’t need to apologise_

_i was just worried_

_i thought something bad had happened_

**Aw, you care about me!**

**Was wittle Siwius afwaid for his Moonsy?**

_shut up_

**Okay I gtg film my subscribers probably think I’m dead**

_good luck_

[Twitter]  
[@remuslupin tweeted]  
@remuslupin: I’m back! New video will be up at 8PM GMT!!

 


	10. remus

_Sirius_  
**Remus**  
{Unknown number}

* * *

[Unknown number calling...]

**“Hello?”**

{“Remus.”}

[Call disconnected]

 

[Unknown number calling...]

{“That wasn’t very nice.”}

[Call disconnected]

 

[Unknown number calling...]

**“What do you want?”**

{“I just wanted to have a little chat.”}

**“Leave me alone.”**

[Call disconnected]

 

[Unknown number calling...]

**“What happened to limited call time?”**

{“It’s only been a minute. I’ve got five.”}

**“Spend your last four talking to someone else.”**

[Call disconnected]  
[Are you sure you want to block this caller?]  
[Caller blocked]

 

[padfoot 1:02AM]

_it’s really weird that we’ve never met_

**?**

_like, we have so many mutual friends_

_you know james and you live with lily_

_and i’ve never met you_

_which is really weird_

**We don’t have that many mutuals**

_but you LIVE with lily_

_and james is my best mate_

**I don’t know Peter**

_that’s different_

_i just wouldve thought we’d have met by now_

[padfoot 1:03AM]

_moony?_

**Do you want to meet me?**

_of course i do_

_jesus why wouldn’t i_

_are you okay, moons?_

**I’m fine.**

_ur not fine_

_facetime me right now_

**What**

**Sirius why**

_ur not fine_

_and it’s 1am_

_and ur home alone_

_so i want u to facetime me and tell me whats wrong_

**WHy do I have to facetime you**

_so that u cant lie to me_

**You’re really bossy**

**But okay**

[FaceTime]  
[Calling padfoot...]

**“Can you see me?”**

_“Yep, can you see me?”_

**“It’s a little dark.”**

_“One second, let me just turn on... There, is that better?”_

**“Perfect, now I can see your rugged good looks.”**

_“Damn right you can.”_

_“Enough flattery. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or am I going to have to use my special Sirius skills?”_

**“I’ll tell you. I kind of want to see these ‘Sirius skills’, though.”**

_“Trust me, dear Moony, you don’t. You wouldn’t know what hit you.”_

**“That’s ominous.”**

_“Really, though, what’s up?”_

**“You can read me like a book, can’t you?”**

_“Mooonyyyyyyyy.”_

**“Do your ‘skills’ consist of relentless whining, by any chance?”**

_“Don’t expose me!”_

**“Hah... You have to promise not to laugh or be weirded out, alright?”**

_“Cross my heart hope to die.”_

**“Okay. When I was in school, like... sixteen, maybe? I was in that rebellious phase, you know, the one you never grew out of? I listened to Black Veil Brides, I wanted piercings, I wore eyeliner, I was rude to everyone, etcetera, etcetera.”**

_“Hey! I would never listen to Black Veil Brides.”_

**“Sorry Pads. Anyway, basically I was having a not-so-good time. I wanted to do something that would really piss off my parents. I tried smoking but... well, my uncle died of lung cancer and that would probably just make my mum depressed, and I didn’t want to upset her that bad...”**

_“Aw.”_

**“Hush, we’ve reached the depths of teenage angst! So, I’m about sixteen and I’m thinking; ‘what can I do that doesn’t involve eventual lung disease?’. It turned out I didn’t really have to try, though. I ended up meeting this guy, Fenrir, through a friend. He was about ten years older and married, but I was convinced that he loved me. Mum and I had so many arguments about it, she hated that I thought he treated me better than she did, when really, I was being manipulated. I couldn’t see that, of course...”**

_“Moony, oh my god.”_

**“I saw sense when he got arrested for owning child pornography. They found a whole load of it on his laptop. As it turned out, he’d been doing it to others too. There were loads of folders, all with names of kids he’d been grooming.”**

_“That’s terrible...”_

**“Yeah. Well, another guy came out and said that he’d been raped by him, so I guess I was one of the lucky ones. He’s serving fifteen years.”**

_“Was he...?”_

**“The ‘friend’ I was visiting? Yeah.”**

_“Jesus Christ, Moons, how could you do that? If it had been me, I wouldn’t be able to even think about him after what he did...”_

**“I don’t make a habit out of it; it was actually a one-off arrangement. He still thinks I’m in love with him.”**

_“Are you?”_

**“No, of course not. I visited to tell him that I’d found someone else.”**

_“You have?”_

**“Yeah. I don’t know why I thought he deserved to know. Something to do with closure, probably. It brought it all back, though.”**

_“Well, it’s good that you’ve got closure. I’m proud of you.”_

**"..."**

_"..."_

**“It was you, Sirius.”**

_“What?”_

**“I told him about you.”**

_“Are you... are you being serious?”_

**“I didn’t use your name or anything, you’re not in danger, I would never do –”**

_“No, I don’t care about that. Did you really... Am I really the ‘someone else’?”_

**“Yeah... I’ve probably freaked you out, I’m sorry.”**

_“No, you haven’t. I’m actually relieved that you said it, because now I don’t have to.”_

**“...”**

_“Did you just drop your phone?”_

**“Sorry. That’s – that’s good, that’s really good.”**

_“Yeah?”_

**“Yeah.”**

_What should we do now, then?”_

**“Meeting up would probably be a good first step.”**

_“I agree.”_

**“But for now, I’m really tired, so I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight, Padfoot.”**

_“Goodnight Moony.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Oh No' by Marina and the Diamonds


End file.
